When Couples Therapy Goes Wrong.
By Lori Sutherland, Couples Counsellor in Edinburgh
Couples therapy can be a powerful space for healing, reconnection, and change. When it works well, it helps partners feel seen, heard, and better able to navigate life together. But it’s important to know that couples therapy isn’t always the right fit, or the right fit right now. In some cases, it can even do more harm than good.
As a therapist offering couples counselling in Edinburgh, I believe in being honest about the limitations as well as the potential of the work. So in this post, I want to explore what can go wrong in couples therapy and how to avoid those pitfalls.
Honesty Matters, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
One of the most common issues that undermines couples therapy is a lack of honesty in the room. It might be that one or both partners are hiding an affair, downplaying their use of alcohol or drugs, or concealing emotional or physical abuse.
When this happens, the therapist doesn’t have the full picture, and as a result, the work can become distorted, or worse, unsafe. Without clear context, a therapist might inadvertently reinforce harmful dynamics or push for communication strategies that don't apply to the reality of the relationship.
If you’re coming to therapy, it’s crucial to be as open as you can. That doesn’t mean everything needs to come out in the first session, but withholding key parts of your story can slow down or derail the process. Trust takes time, but therapy can only be effective when everyone in the room is working with the same truth.
When Couples Therapy Isn’t the Right Option
There are also times when couples therapy is not appropriate, at least not right away. Some examples include:
Domestic abuse or coercive control: If there is violence, threats, or fear in the relationship, couples therapy is not safe. It can unintentionally give the abusive partner more power. In these cases, individual therapy and specialist support (such as Women's Aid or Abused Men in Scotland) is a more suitable starting point.
In such cases, couples therapy might not recommended if the abusive partner takes no accountability. Safety must always come first, and in these situations, individual therapy and external support (such as Women's Aid, Mens Aid, or Scottish Women’s Rights Centre) is essential)
Untreated addiction or substance misuse: If one or both partners are actively using drugs or alcohol in a way that affects their judgement, safety, or presence in the relationship, this needs to be addressed separately before couples work can be effective.
Active affairs that aren’t being disclosed: Therapy can’t support a couple to rebuild trust if one partner is continuing an undisclosed affair. The lack of transparency makes the therapeutic process unstable, and prevents meaningful progress.
Not All Therapists Are Trained for Couples Work
Another important factor is the therapist themselves. Unfortunately, not all therapists who offer relationship therapy have specialist training in this area. Couples therapy is not simply “individual therapy with two people in the room”, it requires a different skillset, approach, and understanding of relational dynamics.
A therapist without sufficient experience or training might unintentionally side with one partner, miss key dynamics, or fail to manage conflict safely. If you’re seeking couples counselling in Edinburgh, it’s worth asking your therapist about their training, approach, and experience in working with couples.
The Good News: Support Is Possible
While this might all sound a little heavy, there is good news. Many of the challenges listed above can be worked through with the right support, the right timing, and the right approach.
If there’s been an affair, but both partners are willing to be honest and do the work, therapy can help rebuild trust.
If there’s a history of addiction, but recovery is in progress, therapy can help you learn new ways of relating and supporting each other.
If the relationship feels stuck in resentment, criticism, or disconnection, therapy can offer a space to understand what's really going on underneath—and how to change it.
Finding the Right Therapist
If you’re looking for couples counselling in Edinburgh, it’s important to choose someone with relevant training, experience, and a style that suits you both. Couples therapy should feel safe, structured, and focused, even when it’s challenging. A well-trained therapist will know how to hold the complexity of two people’s experiences, help navigate conflict, and guide you through difficult conversations with honesty and care.
With the right support, couples therapy can be a powerful process of growth, for you, your partner, and your relationship.
Looking for couples therapy in Edinburgh? I offer a supportive, no-nonsense space for individuals and couples to explore their relationship honestly and safely. If you’d like to know more or book an initial session, feel free to get in touch on my Contact page.