What Is the Ego State Model? (And Why It’s So Helpful in Therapy)
One of the first things I often introduce in therapy, especially when working with couples or relationships, is the Ego State model from Transactional Analysis (TA). Don’t worry, it sounds more complicated than it is!
The Ego State model is a simple way of understanding the different parts of us that show up in day-to-day life and relationships. According to TA, we all move between three main ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Parent – This is the part of us that’s shaped by what we were taught growing up. It can sound like rules, values, or even a critical voice. Sometimes it’s caring and nurturing (“Take a break, you’ve done enough”) and other times it’s more controlling (“You should be doing better than this!”).
Child – This part holds our early feelings and experiences. It can be playful, spontaneous, curious—but also hurt, scared, or angry, especially if something reminds us of past situations.
Adult – This is the here-and-now part of us. Calm, grounded, and able to think clearly. The Adult helps us respond to situations, rather than just react to them.
So how does this help in therapy?
When you understand which Ego State you're in, and which one the other person is in, it gets a lot easier to make sense of your reactions and conversations. For example, if you're arguing with your partner and suddenly feel like a helpless child being told off, chances are you’re in your Child ego state, and they may be in Parent mode. No wonder it feels off balance!
Therapy helps you notice these shifts and start choosing how to respond. Instead of reacting from old patterns, you can slow down, tune into your Adult state, and say what you really want to say from a clearer place.
And in everyday life?
This model is useful far beyond the therapy room. You might notice your Parent ego state kicking in when you tell yourself off for making a mistake. Or your Child state coming out when you're having fun, or when you're upset and don't quite know why. Your Adult is there when you're problem-solving, listening calmly, or setting a boundary with kindness.
It’s not about judging any of these states, they all have value. But when we understand them, we can start to catch ourselves in the moment, shift gears if needed, and have more honest, grown-up conversations.
Understanding the Ego State model can bring a lot of clarity, both in therapy and in your relationships. It gives you language for things that often feel confusing or stuck, and from there, real change becomes possible.